It's amazing the different moods I can go through during one day. One moment everything is as clear as the Carolina sky, ideas popcorn out of little neuron seeds and accompanying feelings complete every moment. Then, a crash! I don't even know what I hit, but the polar axises of my brain flop. It is probably from the bizarre digestive problem, but I am so "up in the air" these days it is hard to tell. All of the sudden I am immobilized. I can't think, my brain is too tired or too full of thought traffic and I freak out man! I have a million little things to do and this is my time! This is where I need to be turning it all around and balls to the wall work my ass off but I am incapacitated by either physical illness or crazy, and I have no clue which one it is, probably a little bit of both.
Meditation helps with the mental traffic, but then I am left after wards with the incessant tiredness from eating food because my body doesn't like food right now. It likes salads without dressing or cheese, and water. That is about it! I hope to god I can find out what it is because it is really keeping me from flying high. But it has always been there partially, so everyday this cycle takes place and wears me out. I think it was more manageable when there was love in my life, or really close friendships, but now it is suffocating my energy. Oh, but then a few hours later I can see clear again.
This is like a bi-polar experience caused by dietary/allergy problems, a forced suffering and an intense new understanding of how a lot of us have to live our lives in perpetual pain. The only thing that makes it worth it is love, and I would feel desperate for love because of this, but it has been so long without it that it almost doesn't matter. I think that if I found it I wouldn't believe it for at least a year, lol.
But I keep a little bit of hope, not too much for safety and realistic reasons, but a little hope for either love or health to enter into my life and make it livable again. It is something I have been relentlessly manifesting myself for almost two years and searching for the cause and cure of spiritually and worldly. I hope that I will succeed before I become someone who I don't want to be, I'm not a cynical or bitter person and I am obdurate in my optimism.
I am a Ben, and I do not wish to be anything or anyone else, only to have a little more power over the negative absurdities of life that keep me from being happy and growing. That is all I have to say about that.

Charlotte's Fluffs

I love the feeling I get when I am driving down the road and my car is attacked by magical white balls of fluff floating in the air. Charlotte has very few mystical qualities left, but one of my favorites is certainly in season. I like to think of them as little faeries on a very important mission. They catch me at the best times. When I am depressed they snap me out of it, when I am angry the sight and warmth of them eases my tension, and every now and then they whisk through my windows and quickly kiss my face, before abruptly leaving and getting smashed under a tire.
Such is the life of a fairy; magical, fun, everyone likes you but then *BAM* destruction! And you can spell faery like four different ways. And now I am stuck on underlining... there isn't even an underline button in blogger? Help!!! How dost I stop the underline!! Text color, bold, italic... very well. The rest of this post shall be underlined until further notice. Hopefully someone will leave a comment that has a suggestion, or just a comment in general. So, yes! Fairies! The little white dandilionish puffs floating around, next time you see one or many don't forget to check and find out if it is a faerae. Until then, carry on, the sun is coming out, slowly but surely our tides are changing.

P.S. The other blogs are coming soon, I think most of them are already up, my net has been down so yeah... still typing in underline... *sigh*

Scrablarable

I was playing scrabble online the other day when I noticed a possible parable, or I should say that when I noticed it, it became a parable. I have been noticing these more and more recently; it must be my new literary reality phase. I went through a symbolism phase, an irony phase, a serendipity phase, and now we move to the parable.
A parable is an event that conveys meaning indirectly through comparison. So - something happens that allows you to see an event in your life in a different and truthful way. One of the most appreciated and recognizable uses of a parable for me would be on House, M.D. Lawrence Kaplow, the writer for the show uses this device in almost every episode. Something in House's personal life shows him how to look at a patient in a new light in order to find the mystery ailment, over and over again; and again, which gets irritating to other writers at times but I mean damn, it's a good show!
Returning to my personal parable, almost everything in my life right now has no easy play. I have no direct way of accomplishing any goal, and every time I try to accomplish something it gets over complicated Mccrazy. So, as I was playing scrabble in multiple media fashions a few nights ago I noticed that I had no clue where to play, constantly. It was a scrabble nightmare, and it triggered a familiar feeling from somewhere else, where was that? Oh yeah, my life!
The inability to directly change things and move forward had officially infected all aspects of life, I hadn't been able to play a word for days because there was no where good to play. This night was different, because I was fed up with this feeling, I was done, I was going to play anyways. I was going to play to get to the next game, even if it wasn't the perfect move.
It was at this point when I realized this is what I needed to do in my real life, quit waiting to change it directly and just move. Just keep playing to get to the new game, because there aren't any easy answers or moves right now. And that's how it is sometimes, but the board is different every game, not necessarily every day, but just keep playing the best moves you can instead of waiting for that perfect play that is stealthily holding you back.

My Tree

This group of blogs I separated to branch out into every part of my life. There is one for politics, comedy, a journal, Painting Souls(my fantasy fiction series), and everyday life. There may be some crossing over, I may pay more attention to certain branches, but that's one of the great things about choice. I don't get to choose what I live through a lot of the time, but I do get to choose what I write about. The benefit for you sir or madam is that you can now also choose the area of my writing that you find most interesting. I doubt that anybody will follow all branches of this red wood blog tree to-be, but I am always quite full of doubt so I could be surprised.
Today's blog is brought to you by crossword puzzles; sure I suck at them, but I hold strong to the belief that this is because they always come during the morning.