It's amazing the different moods I can go through during one day. One moment everything is as clear as the Carolina sky, ideas popcorn out of little neuron seeds and accompanying feelings complete every moment. Then, a crash! I don't even know what I hit, but the polar axises of my brain flop. It is probably from the bizarre digestive problem, but I am so "up in the air" these days it is hard to tell. All of the sudden I am immobilized. I can't think, my brain is too tired or too full of thought traffic and I freak out man! I have a million little things to do and this is my time! This is where I need to be turning it all around and balls to the wall work my ass off but I am incapacitated by either physical illness or crazy, and I have no clue which one it is, probably a little bit of both.
Meditation helps with the mental traffic, but then I am left after wards with the incessant tiredness from eating food because my body doesn't like food right now. It likes salads without dressing or cheese, and water. That is about it! I hope to god I can find out what it is because it is really keeping me from flying high. But it has always been there partially, so everyday this cycle takes place and wears me out. I think it was more manageable when there was love in my life, or really close friendships, but now it is suffocating my energy. Oh, but then a few hours later I can see clear again.
This is like a bi-polar experience caused by dietary/allergy problems, a forced suffering and an intense new understanding of how a lot of us have to live our lives in perpetual pain. The only thing that makes it worth it is love, and I would feel desperate for love because of this, but it has been so long without it that it almost doesn't matter. I think that if I found it I wouldn't believe it for at least a year, lol.
But I keep a little bit of hope, not too much for safety and realistic reasons, but a little hope for either love or health to enter into my life and make it livable again. It is something I have been relentlessly manifesting myself for almost two years and searching for the cause and cure of spiritually and worldly. I hope that I will succeed before I become someone who I don't want to be, I'm not a cynical or bitter person and I am obdurate in my optimism.
I am a Ben, and I do not wish to be anything or anyone else, only to have a little more power over the negative absurdities of life that keep me from being happy and growing. That is all I have to say about that.