Substitue Nerves

The first day in my new career is next week. I am so glad to be moving in a direction that is actually a step toward my goal, but I hate new jobs. I am not good at them. It takes me so much time to become comfortable, and this next one is the mother of all anxiety attacks for me. Substitute teaching has such a high range of possibilities that I can’t help but to worry about the bad, and feel unconfident about the good. I just have to remember to relax, to breath; it’s just a sub-teaching position! Not rocket science, although I think I would love rocket science. Just read-off the damned lesson plan!
I think it’s the disciplinary factors that are intimidating, everything else sounds kind of fun actually. Also, there is that drastic fear of failure, as it is actually in my field if I fail here I fail at one of my passions, the last practical one. I want to be good at this so bad, and I would hate to let people down. I want to feel strong. I have never felt strong in my career path before, and it has been a constant drain on my being.
There is some deeply buried pillar in my personal foundation that has always been there and it holds me back. I think by taking on this job I am finally starting to dig around it, and make progress towards pulling it out. It’s not supporting anything, but it is keeping me from moving forward. As human members of the globalized world our foundations must remain mobile. As opposed to spider monkeys, the foundational aspects of spider monkeys in the 21st century can pretty much remain constant. Polar bears, on the other hand…
The last part of my fear comes from a much more practical area: Am I going to be able to function at 5:30 in the morning? I haven’t had to since high school, and well, I didn’t function well in high school. High school, I never thought I’d go back into high school. At the same time I feel like these kids need someone who can still relate to them, because it was such a hard time for me. I won’t trivialize their problems, and I know what is realistic to expect from them.
I just wish for once I could enjoy a new endeavor again. Like I did when I was a kid; why can’t I have that good excitement that I used to? I need to learn to distance myself from pressure and empathy, and use it only when it has a positive affect in my life. I need to learn to look forward to this, instead of fearing it. I just wonder how to do that.

City of Self

I love that feeling you get at around 8ish at the coffee shop when there is nobody else around. It is like having your own personal coffee bar at your disposal. So quiet, so much room, breathing becomes a pleasure.

The sun has recently gone down and the lights inside are glowing like mini moons. The employees are actually having a real conversation because they no longer have to keep up the corporate facade to appease customers and they are allowed to be people again. All of the pressure of the day has just been released: the formerly clogged traffic flow has slowly dripped out of highway off-ramps and returned to home. I am at peace.
The way we live is constantly under construction, so these moments are rare. The ones where we stop and wonder if we are building the right thing, supporting the right project, setting up what we need to in order to be our best selves. We are so busy just trying to get by that we don’t have the time to stop and see the bigger picture. I think for once, I might be moving in the right direction on a multi-tiered skyscraper of self. It would be nice to have one in my city of Benjamin.

The Snow

It is an interesting phenomenon that no matter how cold it is outside that snow still makes me feel warm. I know some people will waste their time making scientific explanations about the change in humidity or the reflection of light off all of the white ground, but I am certain it is just the feeling of snow itself. It is white and happy. No matter how dull my life is or lonely, or interesting and full of life the snow still adds a positive element. It calls me home, I think to the north. Maybe even to a different country, but when it is around, it is where I belong.
I don't know where I am moving to in five days, and I don't have a job, but those are luckily short-term problems and the long-term is looking up. In this short term tornado it is nice to have the snow to remind me to relax and be happy. I could say that I wish I had someone else here with me in my cozy apartment to watch movies and talk to, but oh what would I do if they didn't like the snow?

Every Moment

It seems like a good portion of life is learning to bring this moment into consciousness. I say this because you can look at things that normally seem random but with a bit more tact and wisdom find that they are in fact beautifully structured. When I am most awake I find the answers to my hardest questions wandering about in life like a House episode, but even more bizarrely. The smallest line in a TV series, the way bubbles rise to the surface in a pot of heated water, these actions become illuminating when I have the energy and focus to look at them the right way. Perhaps a self-manifestation of reality, it's like solving a math problem except the formula changes each time.
I find myself craving a better memory of such events. I end up trying to keep the thought in my head long enough to write it down and then develop some massive organized system of recorded enlightenments so that I don't have to go through the same things again, or at least I get through them quicker or enjoy them. Sometimes to learn something in my memory seems ephemeral, because I know I am going to die eventually so it will be lost anyways. I think this is how I get unmotivated to learn these enlightenments in my physical memory. It seems instead I must go through them again and again until they change the very fabric of my being, until my spirit grows and learns. This way it will be ingrained in me for eternity.
For whatever reason, some days you just know when to go where, and when you don't listen to your spirit on those days you wind up kicking yourself, and infinitely curious as to what great time that you could have had. Today was like that; I almost figured it out before it was too late but I think I started off bad by not getting up until 3, lol. The balance in my life is finally returning though, so this is excellent. My excitement for the next day is returning, and my love as well. Soon enough my energy will be too awake for even me to ignore, and the days will be like creamed honey and the nights like thick coffee. Right now I just need to slow down and take it one third step at a time.

It's amazing the different moods I can go through during one day. One moment everything is as clear as the Carolina sky, ideas popcorn out of little neuron seeds and accompanying feelings complete every moment. Then, a crash! I don't even know what I hit, but the polar axises of my brain flop. It is probably from the bizarre digestive problem, but I am so "up in the air" these days it is hard to tell. All of the sudden I am immobilized. I can't think, my brain is too tired or too full of thought traffic and I freak out man! I have a million little things to do and this is my time! This is where I need to be turning it all around and balls to the wall work my ass off but I am incapacitated by either physical illness or crazy, and I have no clue which one it is, probably a little bit of both.
Meditation helps with the mental traffic, but then I am left after wards with the incessant tiredness from eating food because my body doesn't like food right now. It likes salads without dressing or cheese, and water. That is about it! I hope to god I can find out what it is because it is really keeping me from flying high. But it has always been there partially, so everyday this cycle takes place and wears me out. I think it was more manageable when there was love in my life, or really close friendships, but now it is suffocating my energy. Oh, but then a few hours later I can see clear again.
This is like a bi-polar experience caused by dietary/allergy problems, a forced suffering and an intense new understanding of how a lot of us have to live our lives in perpetual pain. The only thing that makes it worth it is love, and I would feel desperate for love because of this, but it has been so long without it that it almost doesn't matter. I think that if I found it I wouldn't believe it for at least a year, lol.
But I keep a little bit of hope, not too much for safety and realistic reasons, but a little hope for either love or health to enter into my life and make it livable again. It is something I have been relentlessly manifesting myself for almost two years and searching for the cause and cure of spiritually and worldly. I hope that I will succeed before I become someone who I don't want to be, I'm not a cynical or bitter person and I am obdurate in my optimism.
I am a Ben, and I do not wish to be anything or anyone else, only to have a little more power over the negative absurdities of life that keep me from being happy and growing. That is all I have to say about that.

Charlotte's Fluffs

I love the feeling I get when I am driving down the road and my car is attacked by magical white balls of fluff floating in the air. Charlotte has very few mystical qualities left, but one of my favorites is certainly in season. I like to think of them as little faeries on a very important mission. They catch me at the best times. When I am depressed they snap me out of it, when I am angry the sight and warmth of them eases my tension, and every now and then they whisk through my windows and quickly kiss my face, before abruptly leaving and getting smashed under a tire.
Such is the life of a fairy; magical, fun, everyone likes you but then *BAM* destruction! And you can spell faery like four different ways. And now I am stuck on underlining... there isn't even an underline button in blogger? Help!!! How dost I stop the underline!! Text color, bold, italic... very well. The rest of this post shall be underlined until further notice. Hopefully someone will leave a comment that has a suggestion, or just a comment in general. So, yes! Fairies! The little white dandilionish puffs floating around, next time you see one or many don't forget to check and find out if it is a faerae. Until then, carry on, the sun is coming out, slowly but surely our tides are changing.

P.S. The other blogs are coming soon, I think most of them are already up, my net has been down so yeah... still typing in underline... *sigh*

Scrablarable

I was playing scrabble online the other day when I noticed a possible parable, or I should say that when I noticed it, it became a parable. I have been noticing these more and more recently; it must be my new literary reality phase. I went through a symbolism phase, an irony phase, a serendipity phase, and now we move to the parable.
A parable is an event that conveys meaning indirectly through comparison. So - something happens that allows you to see an event in your life in a different and truthful way. One of the most appreciated and recognizable uses of a parable for me would be on House, M.D. Lawrence Kaplow, the writer for the show uses this device in almost every episode. Something in House's personal life shows him how to look at a patient in a new light in order to find the mystery ailment, over and over again; and again, which gets irritating to other writers at times but I mean damn, it's a good show!
Returning to my personal parable, almost everything in my life right now has no easy play. I have no direct way of accomplishing any goal, and every time I try to accomplish something it gets over complicated Mccrazy. So, as I was playing scrabble in multiple media fashions a few nights ago I noticed that I had no clue where to play, constantly. It was a scrabble nightmare, and it triggered a familiar feeling from somewhere else, where was that? Oh yeah, my life!
The inability to directly change things and move forward had officially infected all aspects of life, I hadn't been able to play a word for days because there was no where good to play. This night was different, because I was fed up with this feeling, I was done, I was going to play anyways. I was going to play to get to the next game, even if it wasn't the perfect move.
It was at this point when I realized this is what I needed to do in my real life, quit waiting to change it directly and just move. Just keep playing to get to the new game, because there aren't any easy answers or moves right now. And that's how it is sometimes, but the board is different every game, not necessarily every day, but just keep playing the best moves you can instead of waiting for that perfect play that is stealthily holding you back.