Not Having One Night Stands Has Kept Me From Having Good Relationships

 This may sound ridiculous, but it's true, and I have compelling evidence to back it up.
         I've never been comfortable being physical with someone on a first date, or having a one-night stand at a party; I'm just not that guy. It sounds fucking wonderful, but I've tried it; it doesn't work. Even on the second date I feel like I'm still sparking that initial heat that makes for good sex, anything physical before this feels awkward and forced. Now, on the surface, I know this sounds like a good thing, or the type of person most guys should be, but let me tell you something; it sucks, and it's dangerous. It's dangerous being realistically careful with your physical body. Why?
           It's a psychological nightmare. Not because I shouldn't be shy, or because I have some debilitating insecurity, on the contrary; I'm actually kind of proud to want to take it slow. The reason it's dangerous is because it almost guarantees that I never get intimately involved with someone. Allow me to explain.
          You go out, you have a good time with someone, you get their number, or they volunteer thier information; both of these oddly have had the exact same outcome in the long run. You call the next day, maybe text, and get a lackluster response. There is a chance you go out again for coffee. You don't make a strong move, because it's coffee and you want to get to know them. You like them, your interest grows and you get excited about a potential, actually significant other, then what? It's over, because you didn't immediately get physical. Don't believe me? Think about it, think about how it really works. It's been two dates and he/she hasn't made a strong move, and you rationalize all the small things that aren't exactly what you want. Meanwhile, some other person has already started being physical with you.
           Now I happily admit that there are multiple times not making a strong sexual move on the first or second date has saved me from a horrible hook, a life-altering STD , a bad potential relationship or self esteem de-throning, but equally as many times this has prevented me from having a chance with an amazing person. By the second date, some quick acting guy (or girl, this has happened too) steps in and it's all over.
          The first few times this was fine, I justified it: they were meant to be together, I wasn't ready, I didn't 'know myself,' but in reality this was horseshit. It was a lie to make me feel better about people. Most women don't want to wait for the hand-holding guy, just like most me don't want to wait for the hand holding girl - most people don't want to wait. In fact, most people romanticize immediate physical interaction in order to play out sexual fantasies. I'm actually okay with this, but I'm not okay with people who pretend this isn't true because it doesn't live up to their ideals, or who they think they want to be; who their religion or parents say they should be. Spare me.
          If this doesn't seem accurate, allow me to expound on the experiences where I have gone out with someone, made early, uncomfortable physical moves and we hook up almost immediately. I assure you, I am texted, messaged on FB, and called the next day-every single time. It's a complete reversal from the expectations I've created based on what I've been told about men and women, and how we actually operate in the real world. We are very similar, but attempt to take pride in our perceived difference. The sexes love hating each other, but in reality it's a lot less dramatic than that, and I would argue, much more interesting. What we are told in most love stories, yes, even the indy ones, is laughable. Nobody seems to have captured what we are in our current form. Too many writers are interested in promoting their ideological view of how women and men operate, but the great gender bender is coming, and the bullshit can't fool us all anymore. Men are stupid, women are evil, we're cats and they're dogs, Women are from Mars, Men are from Venus: bullshit, we're all from fucking Earth. We all like sex, we all like love, and we are scared shitless of losing either of them. I'm in the unique position of never having had both, or either for a substantial time, so I'm not really scared of losing them. I have nothing to lose; this gives me a unique perspective.  
    Honestly, I am exhausted. Where is the other person who sees through the bullshit? Who I can just talk to? These amazing people always seem to be with the first person they can be with, and I'm stuck waiting for someone who works like me, but I don't have any evidence that this person actually exists. If only I could have one night stands, I could meet someone.

Anxiety - Hooray! (It's ridiculous)

It's unfortunate, but American society is certainly fertile soil for producing anxiety, as it's safety nets are full of large biased holes, and the organizations that could do something about this are filled with other kinds of holes. 

I have both been a person who has no concept of anxiety and a person who has debilitating panic attacks. The former was when I was a child, had a strong support system, and felt as though there was always a safe place awaiting, a home. The second seemed to happen once this safety was removed; not just pieces of a home, but the entire floor beneath it fell out. This event seemed to traumatize me, like I think it does a lot of people, and now any time there is even the perception of a similar fallout, the anxiety comes flooding back until I remember to build my own floor. I wonder how many other people experience anxiety in this way, and how many consider it ridiculous? I mean, it is ridiculous, but it is often times out of our control. I know many people who experience this disorder in their own way, but I also know others who will never know the bizarre feeling of a spirit of worry swooping in and confiscating your body, while your gut is pushed to the other side of the universe. 

Right now it's like a swelling in my throat that slowly grows until I suffocate. This would make an excellent muse for a grunge song, but it makes for a shitty one when creating a syllabus. I can't organize an entire classroom and the learning process of fifty students if I can't even organize my own thoughts.I don't know why I am so petrified to teach my classes next semester. Maybe because it's only my second semester teaching and I've picked up yet another completely new class. Maybe it's the so-called "impostor" syndrome that a lot of teachers get, where I don't feel like I am a real teacher and have no place directing a classroom of students. Certainly there is the massive fear of failure; what happens if I walk in my first day and my students think that I am a complete idiot who has no idea what I am doing? Because, let's face it, it's only my second semester, so I don't! What am I doing? Ahhhh! 

   I keep having the dream that it's the first day of class, I'm completely unprepared, and the students scoff at the uselessness of whatever activity I am failing at getting them involved with. It causes an inner sadness that I don't know how to cope with. I don't want to feel this way anymore. I don't want to have this dream again. I relinquish my ownership of these thoughts and their power over me; get off, go somewhere else! Let me write my novel, relax, and plan my classes over a cup of coffee and some light conversation; that's what I love! How could I have turned something I love into something I hate, purely based on fear? It's ridiculous. It really is. 

Who knows? I don't know why it's here, but I know it's not welcome. I keep on kicking it out, and it keeps on showing up at the door. I must've given it the key years ago and I still haven't figured out how to change the locks. Maybe I'll make my permanent floor at the bottom, so I'll never have to worry about it falling out on me again.