Substitue Nerves

The first day in my new career is next week. I am so glad to be moving in a direction that is actually a step toward my goal, but I hate new jobs. I am not good at them. It takes me so much time to become comfortable, and this next one is the mother of all anxiety attacks for me. Substitute teaching has such a high range of possibilities that I can’t help but to worry about the bad, and feel unconfident about the good. I just have to remember to relax, to breath; it’s just a sub-teaching position! Not rocket science, although I think I would love rocket science. Just read-off the damned lesson plan!
I think it’s the disciplinary factors that are intimidating, everything else sounds kind of fun actually. Also, there is that drastic fear of failure, as it is actually in my field if I fail here I fail at one of my passions, the last practical one. I want to be good at this so bad, and I would hate to let people down. I want to feel strong. I have never felt strong in my career path before, and it has been a constant drain on my being.
There is some deeply buried pillar in my personal foundation that has always been there and it holds me back. I think by taking on this job I am finally starting to dig around it, and make progress towards pulling it out. It’s not supporting anything, but it is keeping me from moving forward. As human members of the globalized world our foundations must remain mobile. As opposed to spider monkeys, the foundational aspects of spider monkeys in the 21st century can pretty much remain constant. Polar bears, on the other hand…
The last part of my fear comes from a much more practical area: Am I going to be able to function at 5:30 in the morning? I haven’t had to since high school, and well, I didn’t function well in high school. High school, I never thought I’d go back into high school. At the same time I feel like these kids need someone who can still relate to them, because it was such a hard time for me. I won’t trivialize their problems, and I know what is realistic to expect from them.
I just wish for once I could enjoy a new endeavor again. Like I did when I was a kid; why can’t I have that good excitement that I used to? I need to learn to distance myself from pressure and empathy, and use it only when it has a positive affect in my life. I need to learn to look forward to this, instead of fearing it. I just wonder how to do that.